Beet is Burger

Sounds like Morrissey with a cold but this is a beetroot inspired burger, for those of you who like it purple.

The recipe is as follows.

Fry some chopped onions and chopped red pepper in a pan, wth a pinch of pepper, turmeric and cumin.

Put this all in a smoothie machine with a large beetroot, not the sort that comes pickled in a jar, the vegetable one. Add a tin of chick peas, a tablespoon of oil and an egg. And some spinach if you have it.  Also some sweet chilli sauce, or any sauce which might help.

Take it out and form into burger shapes on tin foil.

Cook in the oven for 20 mins at 200C, or 180 in a fan oven. Gingerly urn over after 10 mins so it doesn’t crumble.

Eat in a bun. Follow with a dessert; a custard flan, caramel flan, or whatever charming flan you prefer.

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Chuck Berry

This recipe started out as Sympathy For The Breville – but then it hit a bit of a snag in that I don’t have any bread, any cheese, nor a snack and sandwich toaster to hand. It’s early spring and the brambles are scarce, so the evening’s recipe turned into a late night fruit hunting session.

The benefit of foraging for fruit in an urban environment is that it’s much more civilised; if you look round Soho you may even find a Bohemian Raspberry. The trouble is it’s dark and some of the fruit is toxic, particularly the holly plant which causes nausea and sickness – causing you to Chuck Berry all over the garden.

Find some raspberries. Wash them under a tap

Boil in a saucepan with a quarter cup of honey, a half cup of water, a squeezed orange and grate some of the peel in it too

Boil like for a minute, simmer for 15 mins after. Cool it down.

H/t: Image courtesy of




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Snowden The Hole

SnowdenThis is a companion dish to Julian Lasagne, although the two are very rarely seen in the same room. I wasn’t going to divulge the recipe for this as, well… it does utilise my own special secret mixture of herbs and spices which gives a unique tinge to the batter. But what are a few ingredients between friends?

There are rumours it’s been enjoyed in a number of intelligence agencies due to a backdoor in the recipe, so I’ve blown my own whistle on this one. Eating this could very well help with transit… possibly a bit too well. Cook thoroughly, or you’ll be making more unscheduled stops than the Bolivian president’s jet.


The recipe is as follows:

Find some pork sausages, plenty of them, reduced to clear of course,

Normally you would put these in a casserole dish and just bake, but I decided to scorch them first in a pan

My batter wasn’t great, but ideally you should whisk together eggs, flour and milk so it’s fairly smooth. Mine looked like a snowdrift in a Siberian sausage factory

Place the sausages in the casserole dish, three-quarter cover in batter and heat at 220C for half an hour. You may notice that the sausages are all tied together; ideally separate them before you start baking.

Rage Cuisine Tip:

Mount Snowdon used to be a hill in Wales; now it’s a honey trap operation. Always take care with your sausage.

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Anchovy In The UK



This was a kind of botched British tapas; a melange of anchovy, chicken stew, tuna, fried chicken wings and soft cheese triangles, thrown together like a 70’s punk band; without any thought for good taste.

The anchovy is a strange fish, one of the few fish to become a pizza topping. A highly scented sprat that comes in a jar. Just tip them on a plate and they’re done.

anchovie-ukThe chicken stew was just thigh with the skin pulled off and slow cooked in some water with herbs in it. I opened and added some chopped mixed stew vegetables. It turned out more of a broth and no-one ate it. Not exactly finger food.

The best was Joe’s sizzling tuna, the recipe for this is on the site somewhere.

If punk is the tapas of the urban guerrilla, this is the best fish since Sild Vicious.

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Never Mind The Pollocks


First of all you’ve got to be hungry enough to open up the bag of pollocks that’s been festering in the freezer.

Pour milk into a saucepan, enough to cover the fish

Top up whatever milk you don’t have with water and bring to a simmer

Put a couple of frozen cubes of spinach into the milk and defrost

Cut an onion up into little bits and add

Place a jacket potato in the microwave and blast on full power for 6 minutes

Whilst this is microwaving, tip the pollock in the pan.

If it doesn’t fit, it snaps easily by the way

Stir it all round until it seems cooked, the pollock bag I bought suggested 6 minutes

Add herbs and such like to taste


Add Country Life butter (of course) to the potato and serve alongside fish.

Rage Cuisine Tip:

Never mind the pollocks. God save the bream.


Pollock bag image spotted by Mr I. Seale Esq in Southend News Network

Image of John Lyndon from Country Life Ad. Possibly not a public image. No infringement intended.

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Dr Joe’s Sizzling Tuna Party Pan

sizzling-tunaHad this one last night, sizzling tuna served in a saucepan.

Saute onion in butter, add tuna, black pepper, red chilli powder, garlic powder, garlic paste and some hot chilli sauce.

When the butter is getting dry put an egg in the middle, wait will the sides of the egg turn white but the yolk is still raw, and mix it all together. Add one fork per person and serve with Glen Morangie.

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Eston Blooming Phall

Eston blooming phall, is a rather hot curry served in the mysterious foothills of Eston not far from the enigmatic remains of the ski- village.

Fry up a lot of chopped chicken breast, onions, ginger and garlic

Make a paste with cumin, chilli and garam masala and add to the pan

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Skate Middleton


It’s not every day that you try to combine a fairly robust fish recipe with a princess, especially one who’s in line to eventually assume the highest perch in the land.

This skate is formerly of a Scottish school, is noted for its distinctive crown, and is a fish fit for a king. Long may she ray’n.

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Give quiche a chance

Quiche is a much misunderstood flan and savoury bake. Whereas its origins in French cuisine may not have done its tough guy reputation any favours, it was the 1982 book Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche which finally put the kibosh on it.

In reality, making a quiche is a challenge that only a true hard case would attempt. Some ghetto pimps are rumoured to bake nothing else. The recipe is as follows:

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Elvis Parsley


Uh huh huh.

The recipe contains vegetables in pastry (blue swede choux), and was fried in amazing grease. I cooked and ate the meal in the place where I live, basically in the gateau. The recipe is as follows:

Heat an oven up to 200C and boil some water in a pan

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Macy Gravy

There are some romantic occasions where an element of sultry sophistication can be conjured by the mere presence of a husky-voiced companion. This traditional dish is delicious in it’s own right, as well as having the temporary side effect of giving you the larynx of an 80 year old bluesman.

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Shrimp Mick Jagger

shrimp mick


The recipe was created by Byron Ayanoglu, who was Mick Jagger’s private chef.

According to Bryan’s bio he has always shared his prandial pleasures with his readers if not necessarily his food. As there’s not many prandialists left, it feels right to spread the love…

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Wholly Mackerel


This recipe pretty much speaks for itself. It is a feast for any gourmand, but preferably a blind gourmand with an impaired sense of smell, and maybe even a strong head cold. It resembles, in many ways, a forensic scene at a fishmongers rather than something you’d have for dinner. There goes the Masterchef award for another year.

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Prawn Connery

Whether cheering on Andy Moray, or starring in films like The Rock, this Scottish recipe is fish-pun dynamite.
Known for playing a debonair spry with a licence to krill, the recipe should be neither shaken or stirred, but is best avoided in it’s entirety. It is technically edible, but by God you’d need thunder balls to try it.

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Julian Assange Lasagne

This is a quirky recipe enjoyed most evenings in the Ecuadorian embassy. It is basically a lasagne with finely sliced carrots placed upon the top, and is inspired by the founder of Wickedleeks – a community of Welsh allotment enthusiasts, which has spread to include lovers of outsized vegetables across the world.

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